Matters of Family

This is on my heart.  And part of recovery/forgiveness process is confessing.

My father and I don't have a very close relationship anymore.  He abandoned my brother and I when we were kids.  Maybe abandon is too harsh a word, but when my mother and father got divorced.  He stopped coming around, and would only call or see us once every couple months.  My brother is still very upset with him, and we are a lot older now (16 or 17 years have passed). 

For many years I've been the dutiful daughter.  Always done what my father and my stepmother has asked.  Even though I don't feel comfortable or even wanted in that side of the family.  But at least (I thought) I was accepted by my stepmother.  And when I had kids, they've always included them.

Last year, my stepmother and I had a falling out.  I was sick, and forgot my father's birthday.  I really didn't know what day it was, I really thought it was still January.  I was on medication, and I just didn't remember.

His birthday fell on Super Bowl Sunday, I remember that day because everyone was talking about it.  But later that day he called me and our conversation went like this...

"Do you know what today is?"
"It's Super Bowl Sunday?"
"It's my birthday."
"Oh..."

I was stunned, because I always call my dad and wish him a "Happy Birthday", and etc.  And then, I was thinking, it's his birthday?  Already?

"I'm so sorry.  I've been sick, and I really didn't remember."

I apologized and as far as I knew, everything between my father and I was good.  We made plans to see each other that weekend.

The next day was Monday.

Not everything was okay, because my stepmother sent me some really nasty text messages.  They go along the lines of, "you're ungrateful, selfish, your father is better than you."  And more than that, but I'm trying to forgive and forget and not dwell on the past (very hard to be honest, especially when it's "family"). 

So a year went by.  Things are... uncomfortable.  To put it mildly.

I've been trying to smooth things over, but she ignores me.  I've given her hugs, probably forced myself on her to hug, but she still ignores me.  I've tried talking to her, but she avoids eye contact.  I went over there this past Easter, but was ignored by everyone there.  I did try to talk to them, I said "hello" when I got there, but they all talked over me.

For Mother's Day, I sent her a card and two really nice brooches.  My son helped me pick them out.  She sent a text message, "I got the gift. Thank you very much, you didn't have to get me anything."  I replied, "Happy Mother's Day."

I didn't deserve those things she said to me.  And I think most people would agree that I deserve an apology.  I really doubt I'll ever get one.  But, I forgive her.  Unforgiveness will poison your soul and your heart.

My father keeps telling me that I need to fix this.  I get real frustrated when he tells me that, because I have been trying to smooth things over.

Father's Day is coming up.  I texted my father and told him that I wanted to take him out for Father's Day.  Then I called him and asked him, expecting him to say no.  Because that has always been the answer before.  But he actually said yes.  I was SO blown away, and HAPPY.

But then, I started thinking.  What if he texts me and cancels.  What if he changes his mind?   What if he tells me (again) that he can't because he has to go to the "family" dinner with his wife and her family?

Is it so bad to just want one day to spend with my father and not everyone else?